Things I Didn’t Expect

Since I recognized my womanhood, there are things about my life I didn’t expect, either to change or develop for the first time. Here I have thought of nine: how much more I am into clothes; the development of mommy hands; that hormone treatment would work so well; explore my sexuality so keenly; become emotionally in tune with myself; how much of a drama queen I can be (in a playful sort of way); getting compliments; less into sports, and just recently that my partner, Bette, sees me as a woman for the most part. Let me say a bit about each of these. They are in the order as they came to my mind when I decided write about them.

My love for clothes came first in thought, but I have detailed this in another post (My Clothing Journey), so I will begin with “mommy hands.” This is based on the observance of mothers with their children over the years. First thing I began noticing was based on how rough some mothers help their kids with jackets. I found I did this some when helping my partner, Bette, take off some shirts. Then, I started to pay attention to other motherly vocal behaviors. Plus, online at some transgender social sites I had frequently I acted like a mother hen, desiring to help others, usually to begin their gender journeys. I still do on transgender discussion sites. I am also constantly telling Bette to eat more vegetables. I just recently, telling her not to pick at her skin where she was healing from some burns, which began to peel in the healing process. You get the picture. 👩‍👦

Next, I had serious doubts to the amount of feminization I would obtain by going on femininizing hormone treatment (hrt). Would I develop my desired breast size? Would I add enough fat to my hips and thighs to create a figure of sorts? And, Would I see feminine changes to my face? Well, I have all three. But, I am still amazed that I have gone through theses changes. 😲

I did not expect to explore my sexuality to fill a blog post (Stephie’s Sexuality). I have explored attraction to transgender women in a polyamorous way. Then, it was all women with the need to have some emotional connection (demi-lesbian). In the end the polyamorous part drop out, and while the attraction to women is strong, I have actually taken to having a self-sexual life, which fulfill my needs. This is in part due to not being comfortable being close to another with my current set of genitals. The polyamorous is now gone, so my only potential sex partner is Bette, and she has told me that she is not a lesbian (which is connected to last thing on the my list unexpected things). This does not mean we do not desire physical closeness (which I just stated is not currently comfortable for me); it is just that sex is not on the table. Another thing is I am absolutely sure I do not want to be physically or romantically involved with men. While, I know some nice men, the thought of sex with one grosses me out. OOOOOOoooo. 🤢

I did not expect to be so emotionally in tuned to myself. Yes, I had heard of these changes, but what did that even mean. Okay, the crying. Yes, though expected. But, the rest. I began to see other changes. I will start with intuition as that is probably the easiest to describe. It actually developed soon after I recognized I was Stephie. I rely on intuition as to timing of coming out to others, including my partner, which was different from all the rest.† I have since used it, and after I start HRT it became something I rely on (not that thought doesn’t go into my decisions). 😢

Other emotional changes are a bit harder to relate. I did find I was more sensitive. That I could be moody. That I felt my emotions more intensely. And, perhaps the greatest surprise, which has a post of its own (I Have Always Been), is that my sense of being a woman goes back to my first development of gender. Emotionally, it’s like I have never been any other gender. Granted, I lived the male life, but I cannot connect with it as a male, but only as a woman. 👧

That I would in a playful way act like a drama queen. It started with (The Ta-Da) moment. An action I would perform in front of the living room mirror and Bette before I left the apartment. Kind of like a pep talk to go out in the world as a woman. I found this fun and did it at other times as well. At other times at home I will display some other behaviors that one may think of as behaviors that drama queens would display. Think back to my moodiness. But, mainly I exhibit it in playful little spurts of accentuate behavior. One recent behavior I have taken to is to flip my hair over my shoulder on one side and say, “la-di-da.” 👸

It was totally unexpected that I would actually get compliments. I cannot count the number of times I have been complimented about my eyes, even to the point of asking me how I did my eyebrows. The last time this happened I was told my “eyes were gorgeous.” And, then there are the compliments on what I wear. Meaning more to me than all the others is when my Bette, said I was attractive. 😊

Most recently, I realized how much less I am into sports. I now rarely watch a sporting event as my sole activity. I used to watch the whole Washington Commanders (formerly the Redskins) games. The realization that I am less into sports was the inattention that I showed to the US figure skating championships. There could be another reason not totally connected with my lessened interest. This is I am busier than I have ever been. This includes a lot of activities I do at home. Reading is probably the biggest activity I do while watching sports on TV (actually most things I watch). Part of that reading includes transgender books, which I never used to read. This could be considered another unexpected thing in my life. But, I will not go in to this. However, I have recently provided a list of these books with links to my goodreads’ reviews of them on a dedicate page (Transgender Book Ratings). 🙄🏈⛸

Last, and by no means last is that Bette now can see me as a woman. This may not be 100% of the time, but for her to see it at all is quite a surprise. I suppose I should have had the confidence that one day she would be able to see me as a woman, but I guess I did not. In the beginning I thought that she wanted to see me as the man I presented as in the past. I suppose she still might think this every once in awhile. I told her in the beginning that my basic personality would remain. This has been true. I am now the feminine version of me.💃

So, these are the things that come to mind of which I did not anticipate or not even thought possible (e.g. hrt results). There are probably more, maybe many more. But, I feel this is plenty to relate to in one post. 👩

[Note – using emojis in a blog post because I feel they are cute would also be something I didn’t expect.]

† One day about four months after I became Stephie my partner said to me that I made her happy. Later in the evening she was sitting on the couch, and bingo! The thought came to me to sit next to her on the couch and remind her what she said earlier in the day and ask if “I would still make her happy if I was a girl.” So, little thought went into; I just felt that is what I should do, and I did it.