Stephie’s Sexuality

{Warning – Some will consider this adult content, so caution for those with less maturity (i.e. minors) is advised. Having said this I believe there is nothing lurid written within. If your looking for that you won’t find it.}

This will be a weird post to a lot of people. But, anything I write about I am not ashamed or embarrassed about it. I mean why would I be writing a blog that is public to all and feel shame or embarrassment. I will start off by saying I am confused, but not confused. This will become clearer as you read on (hopefully). This post might have a bit of a rambling here or there, unlike the majority of my posts which flow evenly.

Okay, let’s get this out of way. I would not have sex with a male individual period. That is now and forever. And this goes for transgender men and cismen. It goes for non-binary transmasculine too, or anyone who identifies even partially as a male. Don’t get me wrong; I know some (almost all actually) very nice non-binary people. Matter of fact I know some nice cismen, but I would not have sex with them. Just the thought of it makes me feel icky, so I will move on now.

So, who am I attracted to. Someone who is 100% feminine (that they identify as such and what they wear is up to them). It does not matter if they are a transgender woman or a ciswoman. That was not always the case. There was a time where I thought it would be necessary for a person to be transfeminine. In the past they would need to be feminine around me. I did have one date with a part-time feminine person. The date was semi-good, but she was in male dress, but not necessarily in guy mode. When we reach privacy she dressed up in sexy attire as did I. I was presenting as female, as I did all the time by this point in my transitioning. When it came to the sex is was very disappointing. My sexual desires where not fulfilled.

Eventually, I would lose interest in dating. I do have my girlfriend to be around. But, I guess the excitement and newness had gone away, leaving me with no motivation to date some other transfeminine person. Even so, I still felt that this was where my sexual attraction lay.

The first sign that this may not be the case was a drastic drop in viewing trans porn, followed quickly by not viewing it all. Those last couple of months was mainly to fantasize what I wanted to look like as a woman, and had already stop watching sex related stuff. I was a little surprised. Okay, more than a little. When I had stop altogether. I wasn’t addicted to trans porn, but I would usually view some everyday. This stopping completely occurred around the time I started feminization hormone treatment (commonly hrt). Maybe, knowing I would soon have my own body to see, made a difference. I knew I would no longer have to fantasize what I wanted to look like. And would I be surprised how much I would change. But, that is not the point of this post.

So, I am moving along with my life happily on hrt, and I wouldn’t have guessed what happen along the way—I found myself developing a crush on this ciswoman checker at one of the local grocery store’s I shop in. It really gave me a shock! She was certainly cute, and became very nice towards me. So, it dawned on me that it was femininity period, no matter how they where assigned at birth, that was important. Actually, this shouldn’t have surprised me much, as I would always admire the feminine appearance of women, which can be as little as a smile.

This admiration was not in a sexual way (explained more below). But, at the same time I was certainly attracted to those I found feminine. But, sexually it was super perplexing. This was so because I do not see my genitals as a sex organ. Theoretically off limits, although in all likelihood in reality. This is because of my strong aversion to seeing my genitalia in a sexual manner. This disturbs me a great deal. And it is probably my number one aspect of my bottom dysphoria.^ Oddly it is not a strong when doing non-sexual busines with it, like peeing, shaving (oh yeah, this has got to be done, like the rest of my body because my body hair dysphoria is almost as great as my bottom dysphoria), or applying lotion after a shower.

So, my will to date and be intimate with anyone, including my partner/girlfriend has declined. I should say that I am demi-polyamorphous lesbian. This is I am attracted to multiple woman, but there must be an emotional connection as happened with the checker. But, I am also open to my partner or any potential partner about it. This is I feel the need to inform both/all parties. But, as I wrote above this desire has appeared to have, what looks like in a long lived or permanent way, gone away.

My polynesss has decline as well. The fact is that I now see myself as a demi-lesbian. And now, I seem to only desire to be physically close to my girlfriend. At least for the foreseeable future. The demi part I feel will always be there; will the poly part comeback? Possibly. But for now my desire is only to be close to my partner. Not in a sexual way, necessarily, but in cuddle mode. You know – closeness, hugging a bit of kissing, that is all I seem to desire in the present.

But, I am not sexless, as one may think. I have a very active sex life; it is just that it involves no one but me and my magic wand. I am self-sexual in practice. I have heard it called auto-sexual, but I like my term better. The “auto” prefix makes it seem like I’m a robot or zombie or other mindless thing. I will state that this self-sex involves my prostate. Stimulation of which causes intense and prolonged and multiple orgasms No I am not providing any details (search the internet if you wish for that kind of thing). I now rarely stimulate my male junk, which it has, is and will be a lame way for me to gain sexual pleasure. The main reason I do this is that I am doing hrt as I mentioned before, which leads to impotency.† I have past the year and a half mark, so every once in awhile I’ll see if it still works. Orgasm yes, erection no. And to see if I have reach the point of having a more female orgasm. I don’t think so.

Having said how I get sexual pleasure, I want to say something that I do not see talk about. We all, except those who are asexual (yes, they do exist) or are attracted sexually† to some class of person. There maybe many of these classes to whom one could be attracted to.1 But, I believe it is just as important how you want to give and receive sexual pleasure.

And, as my example shows sexual pleasure can be a solo affair. An important aspect of this is to be clear with your partner how you want to receive sexual pleasure, and in what ways you want to give it. Each (can be more than one) partner’s desires must be respected. Never ever do something that another does not want done to them. This is why a discussion is needed before hand, so you don’t accidently do something that would make your partner uncomfortable. Of course, this is an ideal, as the heat of passion may make one forgetful, but one should have enough control to ask before proceeding to what you want. If you do not, if your partner says stop—THIS MEANS STOP—even if you are at the height of passion. For me this means no touching my male genitalia in any way.

So, you could consider me an auto-noma-demi-lesbian,1 which sets out my sexual parameters. Auto because I have sex alone; noma because I am not attracted to men; demi because I have to have feelings toward a person; and finally I am a lesbian because I am only attracted to woman. I add noma because I have an actual aversion when considering sex with a man. Nice man are okay to be around, but sex is still totally out. As mentioned above I have drop the poly prefix.

1 See The ABC’s of LGBT+, by Ashley Mardell for a slew of them, including all of the prefixes..

^ I need to bring all my wellness tools out of the box, including the cognitive behavioral ones. The deal here is it ultimately comes down to my bottom dysphoria.

† I like this term better than sexual orientation. One may have a certain orientation towards some class of persons, but there would be no orientation if there is not first a sexual attraction.

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