The Ta-Da

This is mainly a reflecting back with present residual implications. What do I mean by The Ta-Da? It is a moment when I stand in front of the living room mirror and spread out my arms in a dramatic way and say, “Ta-Da.” So, this post will explore why I did this in the first place, and why I still continue it today.

I started this Ta-Da behavior when I would first go out presenting 100% as a woman about five months after the start of my transitioning in July of 2019. Back then I was not sure exactly why I did this. I just found myself doing it. Part of it I am sure was to get the nod from my partner that my outfit looked okay. Thankfully, she had not been to critical of my appearance. If she made a comment at all it was more likely to be about how I did my makeup. At least during those months of practice applying it after she originally taught me how.

But, sometime ago (maybe 6 or 9 months) I think I finally figured it out. It was my way of giving myself a pep talk. Go girl, get out the door! At the time this was not a conscious experience, but I am almost sure that it was the major reason behind this behavior. Okay, I admit it was fun to do.

Speaking about fun. I strive to make everything I do fun. Now, I know one can’t go through life and have it be a blast of fun. But, another experience taught me that within certain boundaries a lot of things can be fun. I realized this when one day I was folding my laundry and thought to myself this is kind of fun, and that has been my attitude since then. So, I found that the everyday things (and dressing up and going out is basically a daily occurrence) could be viewed as a fun activity by me.

But, going out the door was and is (sometimes still) an activity that can bring on a good deal of apprehension. While I live in a very liberal area, there is no guarantee that there are not those out there that would seek to do me harm as a transgender woman. I don’t mind being seen as a transgender woman, which with feminizing hormone treatment is no longer apparent, as long as I am treated with respect, like any woman should be.

Still, safety remains my number one concern. It will, I am afraid, remain as my number one concern. This now has an added layer to it. At first I was only (or mainly) concerned that I could be assaulted for being a transgender person. Yes, that still remains, but today it is mostly a concern that I could be assaulted for being a woman, regardless of my transgender status. I remember feeling afraid once—upon seeing a creepy looking guy I was approaching on a walk. But, something was odd about this fear. I thought that I could be in danger (not likely, but possible) of being sexually assaulted.

Now, I dress in a modest way. First, because that is what I like. Second, because I feel it is safer to dress this way. ***I am not in the camp that sexy attired women are looking for trouble.*** Still, it is a factor in my mind. What do I mean by modest. Outside of the warmer months it means I will wear skirts that come down to the knees at the very least and as long as a midi skirt. I also wear leggings. High heels are mostly out. Unless I am going out with my partner for a special night out. Even then, I have other heeled shoes, not quite so high, but things like wedges, booties, or boots.

The only exception to this personal dress code is in warmer weather, especially when walking, I wear shorts or skorts. That does show a lot of leg, but in tennis shoes I feel it is appropriate. It is also dressing for a purpose. Kind of like heels for special occasions. I remember when I was first venturing out in shorts near the beginning of my transition, and a little neighbor girl with her mom (both now super accepting) pointed at me and said “those are woman shorts.” I just replied, “yes they are,” and went on my way. I found it on that occasion to be cute and funny. If a kid did that today, I would be horrified, kind of.

So, here I am in the present, and I still find myself looking in the mirror in the living room and going, “ta-da” when I go out. Actually, I now do it even when I am not going out. It has become fun to do. I question whether or not I am being a drama queen. After all hormonally I am a teenage girl. Not that all girls are drama queens, nor are all drama queens girls or young women.

So, what happened to the pep talk version. Is it still an unconscious motive? Or is it just a habit? A habit I am reluctant to give up? Remember I have fun in the ta-da moment. Is it too much to ask to have fun in life? I don’t think so. I have battled long and hard with depression and anxiety to get where I am in life. I deserve as much fun as I can get. So, for now I am holding on to my ta-da moments.