I Have Always Been

[Note – This is a sister/follow-up piece to (My Deepening Femininity)]

Always been what? Female in gender. This post will relate a feeling I had not to long ago and its aftermaths along with its reoccurrences. So the feeling expressed and then verbalized was that I had always been a woman. Not that I felt like a woman that day, but that I have always been a woman (girl when young). This was something that I might have felt before. Maybe, it was the first time I payed attention to it. Unfortunately, I feel this is going to be a bit rambling as is this first paragraph.

Where to start? Describing the situation. I was propped up in bed, watching TV with my partner, Bette. It was evening, and I was relaxing after an active day. I was still in my skirt du jour. I had yet to get into my bedtime wear. I thought how pleasant this all felt, followed by the notion that I had been a woman all my life (okay a girl early on). And the feelings accompanying it were mildly gender euphoric. The thought continued off and on all evening, and then into the next, and following days. It certainly was not a fluke as it has repeated itself preriodically since I had them the first time.

It seems so natural, instead of fitting a gender role. This is not about that; it is about the feelings I have and how they make me feel. More alive then ever for sure. Since, coming out to my therapist, she observes me as being much more myself (as have others). I was a overtaken by feminine feelings. But, these feelings felt like they had always been there.

What gives? Uncertain how to reply, sometime after this recognition I found myself imaging myself as a 5 or 6 year old prancing around. It took very little effort, indicating to me that I indeed have been female in gender from birth. It would be a reasonable conclusion. But, of course it doesn’t provide slam dunk proof. I would not be surprise if I continue to have these feelings, and that they will pop up in other ways.

One of these other ways is visualizing my younger self as a girl. One visualization that has already come to me was me prancing around in a cute dress. I have no doubt that I can create or come unbidden other visualization. One I might try is having my first kiss over again with exception that I was a teenage girl. See where I am going with this. Put all these visual notions together and the feelings I have had; and what do they spell?—Stephie.

It is sort of popular to have had the thoughts from I want to be with her to I want to be her. And, now I am her; that’s me. And, with thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing of late, I have the sense that I was her from the very beginning to whatever end. Except there is no end yet. I am hoping it is good long while.