In my four years of exploration I could get that femme feeling once in awhile. As time went on it increase in frequency, and toward the end in intensity. Almost 3 years ago I took the plunge, you might say, and I identified as a woman. That did turn off the guy feelings—the few if any that were still there—and focused my mind on being a woman with the attendant feelings. Let me share how these feelings deepened.
When Stephie was born (so to speak) her intuitions started to acts as a guide to her. It wasn’t very apparent in the beginning. But, it grew stronger as time went on. As I see it intuitions are a human trait that is more apparent in women.† The first important event that involved the use of my intuitions was coming out to my partner in life (Bette). I fussed for months about it, when one day I felt that an ideal opportunity was presenting itself, and I took it.‡ My intuition, as I would find out again and again, had been spot on.
From the beginning I knew my identity as a woman felt right. I felt no guilt or shame, but I did feel cautious about what to do about it in regards to living my life. I was actually quite timid online at some social sites, which led to boundaries not being held firmly, if I could even identify them.^ This timidness was mainly involving my interactions at these social sites. But, it also involved knowing what to do about life and how to navigate it. For months I stay in the closet. Then, I initially came out to my to Bette, but for months I wasn’t sure how to do it. Did I want to transition? I was unsure. Did I went any medical treatments? Again, I was unsure.
So, here I was feeling like I am a woman, but not knowing exactly what feelings that would encompass. I had no doubt that I was a woman. I had already come out to Bette in the spring of 2019, and still I was unsure. But, the drive to live as a woman became stronger, and by summer time I began my transition, and I also made the decision to seek hormone treatment. I plodded along gaining ever so much bit by bit in my goal to live as the woman I now knew that I was. And, the feelings I had as a woman grew stronger month by month.
I would learn overtime. I would learn the pleasant feelings of basking in my femininity, which I still indulge in. I would learn through behaviors what joy I had being a woman, such as shopping for clothes, whether online or in person.
With feminizing hormone treatment (commonly hrt) you could say I got comfortable in my womanhood. It gave me greater confidence out in the world. About two months after starting I made the decision to seek bottom surgery, and shortly after this I got working with John Hopkins. Then, I started noticing some changes with the hormones—I was so happy about these. I was finely able to like my body, except for my downstairs furniture. Now, if I don’t get any further results (currently 1 1/2 years) I could be happy with where I am at. The results enable me to take away the focus away from my genitals when my bottom dysphoria arises.
All during this time my sense of femininity increased until one day propped up in bed wearing a skirt (my usual apparel) I got an overwhelming sense that this was the way I always was. I am currently working on a post about this – “I Have Always Been.” It is kind of a sister post to this one. It explains this feeling and what it means to me.
You can say, I have fully settled into my femininity, my womanhood. This was a dream ever since Stephie arrived on November 10, 2018 and maybe under the radar for years and years before that time. Stephie’s got it going on. She is a woman. She has arrived.
I have never been as happy with my life then now. I have more confidence in myself today, then almost my whole life. It just feels that all is right with the world and me.
† Intuition is to be found in both woman and men. Our lives would hardly be doable if we didn’t have them, and is rely on more than one might think. But, socially it is more acceptable for a woman to use hers as oppose to a man. Intuitions rely on feelings and a good deal of social influence dictates men should not show theirs, and hence should not openly speak of or rely on the use of their intuitions, even though they are still there.
‡ The opportunity was when one day my girlfriend told me “I made her happy.” Later that day she was sitting on the couch (intuition flashing), and I went and sat down beside her. I asked her “if I was a girl would I still make her happy?” I can’t remember her exact words, but she did not reject me on the spot; I didn’t think she would. Overtime she did not only would accept me as Stephie, but actively supported me, and became my ally.
^ Eventually, I did learn how to set and keep boundaries at these sites. It even help in setting boundaries for my life in general.
One thought on “My Deepening Femininity”