[Note – Trigger warning—I feel I need to include this because I know how difficult it can be for myself. Also, this could be consider adult content, although it is not filthy by any means, just telling it like it is. On the other side there are those who are not adults that may still have to deal with this issue.]
Okay, here we go. First thing to say is that it doesn’t belong down there. I have heard it referred to as “my junk.” I have other terms I have used for it, but that’s part of what this post is all about. So, for those that can’t guess what I am referring to—it is my fucking penis—to be medically correct. Get the idea—I don’t like it.
Dysphoria, for those that don’t know is “n. a mood characterized by generalized discontent and agitation. —dysphoric adj.“1 Again the technical term for this type of dysphoria is “gender dysphoria”: “. . . which replaces gender identity disorder and shifts clinical emphasis from cross-gender identification itself to a focus on the possible distress arising from a sense of mismatch, or incongruence, that one may have about one’s experienced gender versus one’s assigned gender. Diagnostic criteria for gender dysphoria in children include significant distress or impairment due to marked gender incongruence, such as a strong desire to be—or a belief that one is—the other gender, preference for the toys, games, roles, and activities stereotypically associated with the other gender, and a strong dislike of one’s sexual anatomy. In adults, the manifestations of gender dysphoria may include a strong desire to replace one’s physical sex characteristics with those of the other gender (see sex reassignment), the belief that one has the emotions of the other gender, and a desire to be treated as the other gender or recognized as having an alternative gender identity.”2
Okay I have issues with calling it gender dysphoria. I am perfectly content with my gender. The thing that makes me dysphoric is parts of my body or voice. I have written about this in Gender Dysphoria vs. Body Dysphoria. In the criteria in the DSM See : (https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria), I have dysphoria over two that deal with my body: primary and secondary sex characteristics. And, I am dysphoric to a slight degree with wanting to be seen as the gender I identify with. I have actually become confident as a woman. Still there are times when I will get misgender in public. But, even cis-people are misgender occasionally, so I feel that maybe the occasional misgendering is perfectly fine. And with hormone therapy (commonly – hrt) my secondary sex characteristics do not give me the distress that they did. So, the biggie for me is that damn thing between my legs. This is part of my body that needs replacement. I am not happy with my belly, which needs reducing, but that is not so much connected with my gender. But, I am never dysphoric over gender related issues, as in a conflict of my assigned sex at birth with my actual gender.
Anyway, this is my number one disturbing dysphoric aspect to my current life as a woman. It plagues me from time to time. It basically feels disgusting to have those male genitals. It is a good thing this only happens occasionally, and can usually be diminished fairly quickly by viewing them from a different perspective. In cognitive behavioral terms this is called “reframing.” It has work completely on some dysphorias (see – Why Can’t I be Pretty like Her?). For my bottom dysphoria it is not completely successful because it breaks through all the reframings I have come up with at times, which leads me to reframe once again.
I recently develop another technique only made possible by feminizing hormone treatment (commonly hrt), which I will describe after my successes and failures of using the reframing technique. My first attempt this at reframing was based on my days of kink online during the first year of transitioning. In this world male genitals or the penis specifically is called a clitty. I had always thought it was a cute one, and so did numerous others based on postings. So I would see myself in the mirror I tried my hardest to still see it in this way as a cute little clitty. It is even smaller today, but this approach no long works. I have male genitalia that do not belong on this woman, period.
The following are five reframings, and how I fared doing it, giving them in order from earliest (1st) to latest (5th):
- Not a sexual organ – This attempt at reframing to dampen bottom dysphoria came to me when I was really not interest with playing with it. Yes, occasionally attempts at orgasm prove mix and not very pleasurable, especially compare to playing with my prostate. Yes, it is a male organ, but it is on the inside and not consider a sex organ, ordinarily. This worked really well for awhile until I saw a bugle in my lovely booty shorts. I was in trouble again. It was not a constant dysphoria, only coming at times when I would see it in my panties.
- A nuisance – To counteract these instances, I began thinking about it as a nuisance, which it certainly is. It seemed to work better than the “it is not a sexual organ,” as “a nuisance” does describe what it has become.
- Birth Mark – Finding that I could not get constantly by with the first two, I decide to make something others sometimes want to remove.
- Piece of crap – Out of frustration this came out of my mouth. Doesn’t really fit, but it gives that frustration I get at times. The frustration includes both with what I got and the failings of the other previous reframing attempts.
- It’s a disability – Okay, if you think about it it is. I cannot wear tightfitting clothes, which would require tucking (see below). It can also show with lose fitting clothes if it hangs the wrong way, or might show in the wind blowing towards me. There’s also a sexual issue as well (again see below).
The hrt solution is different. It is about refocusing on the positive by concentration on the effects it has given me that I like. This is still a cognitive behavioral tool. But, it does not reframe. The framework is still there as I am replacing one thing with another. So, instead of thinking about my misplaced genitals, I focus on my breasts, hips, butt, and smooth and soft skin. The skin is an added satisfaction since I work hard and still do to make it so. There is also my hair. Now that I have long hair, not only is it a refocusing tool for that thing down there, it also refocuses my vision away from my androgynous alopecia. The hrt solution has worked better (at least for now) than all the reframing I have explored. I still use the reframings list above from time to time, but the hrt solution is my go to method in dealing with my bottom dysphoria.
The sexual component also causes my bottom dysphoria to roar its head (literally). I have run into an issue of late. I was recently cuddling with my girlfriend and partner, and I felt a wee bit of arousal down below. This stop me in my tracks. I gently pulled away. After a few minutes I told her. She was super understanding. My plan is to practice some desensitization. This is trying to continue for a bit more time cuddling, then going longer and longer over time. Until surgery I have to be able to tolerate this situation.
When it shows in my clothing, which can happen in some positions, like the wind blowing into skirt. Two tricks for that I have found. Holding the skirt so it never reaches it and blocking it with my purse are handy. This is problematic, and possibly embarrassing. It is also dangerous as it would identify me as a transgender woman, leaving the possibility of assault. Tucking is not possible as they just fall out of the inguinal canals due to shrinkage by hrt.
So, basically this is how I had and do deal with my bottom dysphoria; it is a two steps forward one step back kind of thing. I am going good for awhile. And, wham. It seems like a whack a mole type of situation.
[Note – This post has been a long time coming, but I wanted to give it plenty of thought, and personally work on it to be better able to relate my situation and express myself.]