As you may know I am a pre-hormone, pre-op transgender woman. This means for all intensive purposes I have a male body. But, I wear woman’s clothing, but have no body (read ass) to fill out my leggings. I have no curves to showoff in my dress, and nothing to fill up my bra.
When I look at other woman, I often think why can’t I be pretty like her. Even though I have no sexual attraction to ciswoman I still admire the female form, which I most desire that I could have. I confess I also look at how they are dress and what their makeup is like (if they are wearing any). Sometimes I feel like I am window shopping (lol).
Some would tell me I shouldn’t compare myself with someone else. Great advice, but ultimately useless, or almost so. For it is a natural reaction for me. Being a transgender woman, I currently have a male body. Even when hrt becomes effective if I get there, my bone structure will not change. Hopefully I will have some padding around my derriere and some nice small breast development. Until then I have no curves, and I am flat as a board, although I do have small pecs.
Naturally, like most (but not all) woman I want to look feminine. I am now trying to look more feminine by clothing choices and makeup with either a wig or some kind of femme head wear. But the comparison is still stark. And it is not just pretty woman that creates this reaction. But, I will admit it is especially true with pretty woman, and I lament – Why can’t I be pretty like her.
So, how do I deal with the negative feelings associate with this comparison I make between myself and other ciswoman. My main way is through mental imagery. I was introduced to this several years ago. I tried to use it imagining making this cake. Well, it didn’t help. My ganache ran off the cake off the plate and on to the counter top and some even dripping down the front of the dishwasher. But, now I have found that it helps a lot if I imagine myself when I don’t feel pretty that I am my ideal basically realistic image. It works surprisingly well. A few deep breaths accompanying this imagery adds to the comfort I feel by doing this.
But, there is another method I use. This has to do with Cognitive Behavioral Technique (CBT). It is where you examine a negative thought and look at the evidence for and against this thought, honestly. The evidence for this thought being true is the mirror and my body still being very male. But, then the evidence against this thought is my girlfriend’s positive comments on my makeup and how I look in my clothes. Then, I have so many gurls I know online that have given me many compliments and offer their support and encouragement. Another bit of evidence is that the providers I have come out to all see me as a woman no matter how I look. This may go for the friends I have come out to recently, but I will have to wait and see more of their reactions. I will report that I have not observed anything negative.
After I wrote this I came across in the book ME!: The Gift of Being Transgender the idea that I need not be the best woman, as in ciswoman; all I need to be is the best transgender woman I can be. I can handle that.
So, I may not be as pretty as her, but I am a woman nevertheless. I still compare myself to other women, and I might do this for a long time, and maybe I always will. But, I have three strategies I can use to combat the negative feelings, and they work pretty good.