Not Now

In this post I want to talk about things I am itching to do in my journey of transitioning from presenting as a man to presenting as a woman through to living my life totally as a woman. It is present oriented, so in the future these things will have already been done. Maybe I will dedicate a page to the not nows that I have accomplished.

A big not now for me currently is going out dolled up (makeup and wig) and dressed in an appropriate women’s outfit (depending on where I am going, and how I am traveling). I am talking about a first time public outing, not a full transitioning where I would go out dressed at all times, which is actually a not now event too. I feel that I am reasonably up to snuff with my makeup and have gotten a new more manageable wig. My girlfriend agrees. This has brought up the strongest desire to go out presenting as a woman. Am I ready today—not now. On this one I am waiting for a good opportunity, which if it doesn’t come soon enough, I might have to just take the plunge and just do it.

Another big not now, maybe even bigger, is to come out to my fellow clients at a day program I go to for treating mental illness (I have had in the past issues with bipolar depression and anxiety†). Outside of my girlfriend (of plus 30 years), my closest friends are there. But, will everyone there accept me. I am not worried about staff; I have already come out confidentially to my case manager there, and have just done so with the program director; my reason for why the staff would be accepting is that it is their job to, whatever their personal feelings about transgender individuals. The reason for including the program director is she was around when there was this other transgender woman attending the program, and I thought she might be able to give me valuable advise on coming out as a transgender woman program wide. I thought of coming out individually, but loose lips will chatter. I do have a date in mind for coming out (October 9th), but it could be a—not now.

Coming out to my parents is a definite not now. Here I don’t feel the urgency to come out like I do at program. Program people see me on a weekly basis, while I only get together with my parents about two or three times a year, although I try to talk on the phone weekly. It is usually my father who answers the phone, and who I end up talking to. It is not that I think I would end up being disowned, although ultimately it is a risk I will take.¹ I am more concern with giving what would certainly be surprising news at the least. Long ago they said if I was a girl they would have named me Stephanie. Well guess what mom and dad I am. I modified it to Stephie; I think it is cuter than Stephanie, which seems kind of formal. Anyway, they would get upset. I think my father could handle it better than my mom. She is more emotional, but in the end she would settle down or so I feel. After all they did wish I was a girl. It is a shame I did not recognize it when I was little. how much fun my mom and I could have had. So, again this is a—not now.

I am also having a not now that is not totally in my control. It is going on a date with another gurl somewhere on the transgender spectrum. I am for the most part ready and raring to go. The big problem is finding the right gurl at the right time. I have had several coffee dates that fell through the most recent one, which could have resulted in much more, was several Mondays ago. These were all, except the last, where we would have dressed at the motel, to be in guy mode. So, I’m waiting patiently, sometimes not, for an opportunity, and until then—not now.

Another not now that comes off the last is actually meeting another gurl in my dolled up mode (i.e. makeup, wig, and woman’s wear). If I would erase the previous not now this one would still be in force by more internal reasons—thoughts and feelings. This will probably transpire when the first not now does (see above). It is a mind challenge. Ideally, the other gurl would be dressed to, so call this part of the this not now an add on one. And if it involve a sexual encounter it would be a must for her to be dressed. Again, this seems like—not now.

A final not now I would like to address is being on hormone replacement therapy (hrt). This has a definite period of waiting. There is standard medical treatment protocol to follow; it is my intention to follow it. It is a year in gender therapy with a letter of recommendation at the end. This is my hope. Once again it is a timed not now. Finding a qualified endocrinologist to treat me with hrt is another thing to do. My PCP has agree to help if I need it. I have found a very local one who provides that treatment. Oh, how I wait for this—not now.

Oops, here’s another one. Changing my name legally to Stephie is another timed not now. I was just ask to update personal info to a bank account, and it listed my legal name. How I long to no longer be known by it. From what I gather changing you legal name is not so easy, and I believe you have to go before a judge in order to change your name legally, but from then on it is your name, and you can enter it onto forms. I also think you can change your gender at the same time, although this might be even more difficult. This would be the last step in my transitioning to a woman. So, this will be my last—not now.

These are some of my not nows. There are others but these I deem some of the most important for me right now.


¹ I want to write a blog post of what I would risk.

† See Stephie Blooms for a bit more on this part of my life.

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