Okay, I have written two previous posts on this topic, sharing both the good and the bad (one might think my name is important to me, well like many other, probably most, transgender individuals it is). Since then, my name has been legally change to Stephie Iris. It has also been changed with Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid as well as at all my financial accounts. I am so happy to have no need to explain that Stephie is (was now) my preferred† name. So here I wish to relate some things that have occurred lately that have either bothered me, or that have made me happy.
Let’s get to the bad and get it out of the way. My girlfriend, Bette, has this Christian fundamentalist friend that I came out to as she would take us to appointments (and I was going to be presenting full time soon and just got my ears pierced). She continues to do this. She just can’t except me as a transgender woman. She quoted the Bible about god making us male and female, which in English would actually be an androgynous person. Not that this biblical god created anything. The whole business was just made up. Some call it a myth, I just call it false. The other thing she said after I told her my name was Stephie was to insist on calling me by my birthname.
It had been over a year since coming out to her, and I felt it was high time she started calling me Stephie. Bette had my back all the way. She said would and did discussed with her friend the request for her to call me Stephie. When she told me she would do this I cried and cried and hung on to her with my head on her shoulder. I was so touch by her willingness to stand up for me.
Well, Bette made the request, and her friend told he her that she said she said she would call me by my birthname, and that this has not changed. I thought that would be her answer, so there was no surprise, but I was still quite disappointed. We were going to look at sleeper sofas. When I got in the car I said nothing; Bette only got a chance to relate the situation once we were in the furniture store. She thinks there will be a kind of Esperanto with her not using my name at all. That day she did not. Whether this will become the case remains to be seen; several interactions later it does. Someday my silence will change. Really, being called Stephie is a matter respect, and this has to be communicated to her, eventually.
As I said I was quite disappointed, even with expecting that she would not call me Stephie. But, I have been able to process these instances better. Yes it still hurts to be called by my birthname, but I am able to move along faster. After all, I am Stephie, and someone calling me by another name is just wrong. I am Stephie to my very being. It is the one label that states it all. Other labels are just things that I do. Like I write, I cook, I bake, I mentored. It would not be completely wrong to say I am these; it is only they are just parts of who I am. But, Stephie is complete and not in need of being limited in any way.
Now on to the good things. Even though I still occasionally get misgendered, mainly because of my voice (happens mostly on the phone, and when I loose concentration). I do not get called by my birthname by others, except by mistake, and it is usually quickly corrected right away.
This happens most with Bette, but I believe it is never intentional, as she corrects herself almost immediately. For me this is no problem. I understand the mistakes. She had called me by my birthname for 30+ years. I actually think she is doing a fantastic job. What may be a problem is slipping up on my pronouns in public, where you never know what response you might get. Basically, the risk is small, but it is better for this not to occur at all. I have discussed this with her, and she had no problem with me requesting that she be more careful.
I am exclusively call Stephie at the mental health program I attend, mainly by Zoom, but now one day a week at the center. I cannot remember that last time anyone made the mistake there. When it did use to happen, everyone would correct themselves and many would apologize as well. I don’t think the apology is necessary as long as a mistake is corrected right away.
Now onto a very special moment. To set the stage my father had never referred to me directly as Stephie. After I mentioned that I would prefer him using Stephie, he had not call me by my birthname. He had however mentioned me as Stephie twice, but not directly. The first was in reference to my brother’s obituary. I asked what name he used, and his response was “I used Stephie that is your name right,” and as a bonus he referred to me and my other brother as his siblings. The only small dig was he spelled it as “Steffie,” which a few others have done so as well. The second was when I was on the phone with him, and he shouted to my mom that it was “Stephie, your daughter Stephie.” The daughter part was an extra bonus. But, most recently I couldn’t get to the phone and he started to leave a message, saying, “Look Stephie.” Even though I was not there it was a direct reference to me.
Besides the issue with Bette’s Christian friend, my name thing has had some very positives connected with it. Especially, my fathers statement to me on the answering machine (the latest and in the running for the greatest). The only thing there was because I answered it, it did not record the message, so I will have no record of it, except my own memory of hearing it, which I doubt will fade anytime soon.
† It is incorrect to refer to my name as preferred. Since becoming Stephie, it was never a preferred name, except at doctor’s offices mainly, and I see that as a technicality. To me it was and is my name. The difference today is it is now my legal name. While I am on my soap box, I see it the same way with pronouns. She/her are my pronouns, there is nothing preferred about. If you use any others you are just wrong.
StephieGurl 