Trying to look back through the gender fog (part 2)

I left off in the first part (Trying to look back through the gender fog (part 1)) at the completion of high school. This second part continues with my life experiences after high school up until my day of reckoning as a woman.

So my life moved on after I graduate high school. Eventually, I would go on to become physically addicted to alcohol. And, while I never got addict physically to any of the other drugs I consumed, I had a psychological addiction to drugs in general that led me to seek them out frequently in addition to the round the clock drinking. So, my life sunk into a fog in general, and my gender fog continued. Ostensibly, I live the life of a young adult male. Internally, there was no real felt identity as such, but there was not any conscious identity as a woman either.

When I reached the age of 23, I made my first serious attempt at getting sober. The actual first time I attempted to dry out was at my parents without seeking any medical or psychological treatment, and that attempt did not last very long. This attempt landed me in a halfway house, and I moved on upon graduating to living my life clean and sober for the first time as an adult. However, it would not last, and after 11 months and finding myself depressed for the first time in my life, I went on a one week binge marking my first relapse. During this time I dabble in a little bit of female clothing and self penetrative anal sex.† Still, I had no inkling that I could be a woman. Maybe, this is partially because I had not the language back then to do so. I believe it had to do with my gender being blinded by drugs and alcohol, which prevented me from access to any transgender feelings. I will get more into this later on. At that time I thought of it as a sex thing.

A third relapse found me in a similar situation as the first. But, this time I bought more clothing, including high heels. This time was the first time I shaved my legs. I also again experimented with self-penetrative anal sex. But, like the first time I chalked it up to a sex thing, and I didn’t experience my gender as being female. Like the first and matter of fact with my second relapse, this time was also preceded by a period of depression. But, this was the first time I would be treated for depression after the binge and detox. This was entering as new phase of my life, and also a new reason for continued gender ignorance.

There might have been a period of dress up time starting about five years after I moved in with my girlfriend, Bette, in the late 1980s. It would have amounted to a few things of Bette’s. It would have been her three inch heels, pantyhose, some other feminine undergarments, and possibly a dress or two. But these times would have been very very limited. I also returned to self anal sex around 2000 without dressing. You might think that this would have evoke some transgender feelings, but at best it amounted to telling Bette, off the cuff, that I didn’t really feel like a guy in the mid-90s.

So, first it was alcohol and drug consumption, and after that followed many years (about 30 or so) of depression and of the last dozen with severe general anxiety, that prevented my eyes opening to the fact that I was a transgender female. It was hiding in plain site, and as I would discover it was not just a sex thing—it would become my reality, but first I would have to conquer the depression and anxiety like I did before with alcohol and drug usage. And this would happen around the year 2014 when I was taken off Klonopin when my psychiatrist became aware I was abusing it (about a month in a highly stressful situation). Truth be told it never did much. It and the Ativan before it were pretty useless in lessening my anxiety. What the discontinuation of it did do was give me the ability to think clearly for the first time in a sustainable way in my entire life, despite a few years here and there where I functioned pretty much normally.

This clarity in my mind led to two things. I began to be better able to assess reality, showing me that I need not fear life, and that I could indeed accomplished more in life. This started with the opportunity to start a client library at the mental health program I attended and still do so. This brought on the ability to achieve something, and coming to believe that setting goals was a good thing, and something I was capable of. The gist was that after about six months I no longer felt the anxiety, and my depression had quietly slipped away. I had become mentally well.

It was an eye opening experience, and it would open my eyes to more than accomplishing a few goals. I am talking about how after about a half a year in this new state, I did what I only dabbled in before. I began to dress in feminine clothes when I could steal some private time when Bette went out with either a friend or by herself. And, it wasn’t just feminine clothing, it was sexy, often slutty, clothing. I began to amass somewhat of a small wardrobe. I also seriously began self-sex of the anal variety along with the usual masturbation of my male sex organ, which I did almost every time I dressed.^ So, I began to have a collection of anal sex toys. What do they say: “Variety is the spice of life.” (lol).

But still I maintained that it was all about sex. Until about three years of this routine I began to experience myself as a woman sometimes when dressed and playing around.‡ It took another six months before the thought that I was a woman occurred to me outside of being dressed and/or having anal self-play. It was certainly not like anything I felt when dressed. It now seemed more or less natural to have those feelings. Before it seemed out of place. Why would I have such thoughts. This feeling led me to wear panties on a 24/7 basis as a way to express and strengthen those feelings.

About another six months went by and I was certain without any doubt that I was a transgender woman. Well, who would have thunk it. Anyway, the trappings of what little of a male psyche I had fell by the wayside. Dressing and playing went on as usual, but now it felt normal.

So these were the years after high school until the dawn of Stephie. Part three will share some insights from my time as Stephie. But, mainly it will try to dissect whether or not I could have became Stephie sooner, and if so why I didn’t. This may not be my last attempt at this project, so whatever I shared maybe subject to change.

† Before this I had a one time experience of being penetrated by another guy back in my latter high school days. However, I never consider myself a gay guy. I was drunk, it was late, and I was curious. It was not a very enjoyable experience, and I have never been with another guy sexually since.

‡ Some of you may be thinking that this was autogynephilia. I assure you that it was not. I was not being aroused by the thought of being a woman. In reality it went the other way, which was when I was aroused and dressed I felt like a woman. Autogynephilia is a debunk theory of how transgender females got to where they are/were.

^ I gave this part up by the time I started transitioning. Prostate stimulation through anal sex is in my experience far far superior (first and for most reason) to those parts usually stimulated in male mode (significant reason).

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