My Online Life

[Warning – This post is more mature and sexual than my usual posts. So if you are offended by this please do not read any further. If you are a chaser, please don’t read, and if you respond in a comment I will block you.]

My online life is wide and varied. Here I will describe some of it, and I hope to explain some of the why. Included will be my overall online activity, the types of sites (which, I will not mention by name) I use and some of my activities within the these sites, plus email communication. Then, my transgender blogging and my other online activities connected with my being a transwoman. Finally, the temporary usage of tele-visits and groups. This has become necessary because of covid-19 concerns.

So, where do I begin. As I have written before, I began exploring my femininity in earnest about 6 years ago. I will admit I was also viewing trans porn as part of that process, and a good deal of my exploration revolved around self-sex. I also developed during these years a more pronounced sexual orientation towards other trans individuals. When, finally, I was recognizing myself as a transwoman, I had the desire to meet other transgender spectrum individuals. To possibly meet that desire I join a “kink”† community dedicated to transgender persons and their male admirers to put it lightly (or chasers, not so nicely; chasers are those that pursue transgender persons as a fetish.) Regardless, I joined to meet others like me, but found to my surprise support and encouragement there.

My oldest and dearest gurlfriend at the first trans site I joined gave me the encouragement to use Stephie online. I was a timid gurl back then if that is believable. I was hesitant to state what I wanted or desired or what I was like. I often didn’t hold my boundaries firm, which at times could be distressing. But, over time I became more confident, and my boundaries got clearer and firmer. Also, in the beginning I had not even developed the boundaries I currently have.

That gurlfriend also tried helping me get dates with other gurls, suggesting other sites. Some of them cost so I avoided those. But I found another site with lots of members all over the place as well as a few others. The first site I do not think had near as many members to meet. There were some local gurls, but nothing worked out before the site closed. But I got active on the other trans sites, which would help me bare the pain of losing all my gurlfriends, when the first site stopped operation. It turns out that I found some of them, including some of my closest ones, on one of the new sites I became active on, which turned out to be my primary site to replace the first one. One from the old site I have never been able to connect with again. She was my first sissy crush.

My new primary site was good as far as being able to connect with other gurls. It was mostly texted oriented, but you have limited space for posting any pics. Most of the other sites I joined were rather lame. One site was actually pretty good, except for a poorly designed chat feature where there was no time stamp to posts on the discussion threads, and the content would not even be saved a lot of times. And if you closed the thread all previous posts were deleted. In addition most members seemed to be in the UK, and the page loading speed was slow. The slow page load was due the need to keep the sight free, so the owner decide to run adds as top and sidebars. They were not a nuisance as far as popping up and covering material on the page. It did, however, slow things down. But, on the positive you could post lots of pics. I ended up deciding after the first site was back up and running that I would only load the site if a got a message notification in my email. I did lure a few gurlfriends to join the sites I liked.

But, now the first site is back in operation (and I am ever so happy it is back), and it has become my only really active site. I do use another site still, but only to chat with one particular friend at the moment. The other sites. like the site mentioned above, I only visit if I get an email notification of some activity there.

So, what do I do on these sites. I make friends for one. All are other gurls as I don’t care for men in such sites as I am not sexually attractive to them , and that is all they are after on with most there to find a sissy they can dominate. They are “kink” sites after all. And I made and still make a lot of gurlfriends. Most, of course, I don’t have much to do with, but I usually never turned down a friend request from another gurl unless there is something in their profile that I do not like.

But, a good many I chat with. This is another major activity I do on these sites.Some chats relationships are short lived and some are kind of on and off. But, some I more or less chat with all the time. Chatting is probably the main stay of my activity on trans sites. I enjoy it immensely. What can I say I am a chatterbox. It helps to keep me to connect in a disjointed world, where transgender people are not always welcome. I gain and give a lot of support from these online chats.

I also participate in a particular type of chat—play chat. One reason I do them is they are fun. Play chat is were you engage in sexual acts via words, although some are doing it as they chat (I do not). There can be role play, or just a loving/sexual encounter. I prefer the loving encounter style. I used to play chat a lot. Now a days not so much. Transitioning has taken up more of my concern. I do miss it with certain gurls, but they are no longer on as much as they once were. I am not into random play chats anymore. But, I still enjoy the ones I have with my closer gurlfriends.

Another thing I have done is to set up a play date (My First Date (11/12/19)), and I would again if the right situation came along. I must be attracted to their personality in some way. They also have to be fully femme on the date. I also seek coffee dates. I find I have a desire just to be with another gurl without the need that it has to be seen to lead to a play date. I did have one coffee date back before I came out to anyone. It was weird, not that we were in guy mode (that was the only way I could back then), but because she did not want to discuss anything gurly. She ended up ghosting.‡ Not that I minded because I wasn’t very comfortable with her anyway.

I also post pics on these sites. I am open with what I share, including private parts (hehehe). But of late I post more on what I am wearing these days. Although I still post a naughty one once in awhile. At one time before I learn to do a good job with my makeup (girlfriend taught and approved – the makeup not the pic posting), I didn’t post any face pics. I am still a little shy because I am not young and pretty like some gurls, but I usually get compliments anyway. Gurls at these sites are usually understanding of are difficulties on how us gurls present.

Other things I post are blog pieces, polls, and discussions. My blog posts on one of these sites (the only site), are a series of posts on my hrt experience. Each month I give an update. Kind of a play by play of results. Polls are fun to post. Some of the milder ones included what color nail polish is your fav, and how did you pick your gurly name?Discussions are used to get others’ opinions on whatever topic you want to choose. My most recent one is dealing with seeing another possible transwoman in public. And, I recently posted a glossary of sissy^ terms.

That’s my online life as it started out, and where it is currently. I also communicate with several gurls by email. I am not doing this as much as I did when I lost the first site as that was the only way to communicate with my gurlfriends. The ones that I had managed to get their emails at least, except for a few that were also on another site. Since the first site is back, most have found their way back, so I don’t communicate with them via emails anymore. I will still email a couple of gurlfriends now and then that either were never on or made their way back to the first site.

Moving on to my blogging. I started this transgender blog at the same time I officially started to transition when I came out to my therapist in July of 2019. I use this blog as a platform for multiple purposes. One is to share my story. Who knows how that might influences people for the betterment of the trans community. or it might even end up being helpful to other transwomen. In connection with sharing my story it is kind of a document of my transgender journey. Another very personal reason is I use it as a journal in away. That is why some of my posts are a bit raw emotionally (especially my mini posts).

Then there are my community and philosophical purposes I hope to fill by writing on my blog. First, I intend it to be educational. I also desire to use it as a platform for advocacy. Granted, I haven’t done much of this yet. As for philosophy I was actively writing a philosophy blog (aquestionersjourney.wordpress.com) before I put all my blogging efforts into this one. I have only posted two transgender pieces there. One was to announce my gender identity as a transwoman, and the other is one I also posted here as well (Have You Been Gendered?). This by far the is most philosophical post I have done here. Another that is heavily philosophically oriented is (I am Not in the Wrong Body).

Other online activity includes reading of transgender topics and information. I read some other transgender blogs from time to time. I have searched for lots of information on medical transitioning for male-to-female (mtf), including cross hormone treatment and vaginoplasty surgery (also commonly referred to as bottom surgery). I also search and read a good deal of peer-reviewed research articles on transgender topics (e.g. surgery, hormones, benefits of transitioning).

Finally, I now use the internet to access my health care needs, including my transgender care. This has become a necessity because of covid-19 concerns and restrictions. I have tele-visits with my two mental health providers (therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner). These are weekly. I recently started to go to a online trans support group (My First Trans* Support Group Visit). This I am going to be doing 3 or 4 times a month. I also go to tele-mental health groups three times a week. Although, I work on other aspects of my mental health there, as I do with my other mental health providers, I mainly focus on my transgender issues.º I also did one tele-visit with my endocrinologist. A very important ones as he prescribed my hormonal medicines on that visit.

That wraps up my online life. I consider it a rich life, but it is not my only life by a long shot. My main life lives in this world, not in the virtual online world. It is here that I live and breath as a transgender woman. I live with my longtime girlfriend. I spend lots of time fussing about what to wear and doing my makeup. I interact with the world as a woman. This can bring lots of joy at times, and honestly it can be a bit scary at times too.

† I used “kink” because that is one label they these sites are known as. But, I do not consider them as such because it is my view that sexuality being exhibit at these kinds of sites are within the natural expressions of the sexual nature of human beings.

‡ Ghosting is when someone either doesn’t show up on a date, or stops communicating without any explanation.

^ To me it can be equivalent to “gurl,”  just with sexual overtones on the sites I belong to.

º Yes, a lot of my life is currently taken up with it. My girlfriend has called me obsessed. And to a degree I agree. I have started work on a post about it. It will be entitled “How Transitioning Has Taken Over My Life”

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